Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Feeling overwhelemed & under appreciated

Sometimes my life is like an impending storm, sort of looming in the near distance. If I can manage to stay ahead of it, I do fine. But when I drop the ball, so to speak, life gets sucked up in the muck of rain, wind, debris... the storm... chaos. When that happens I tend to see not only what I didn't get done but I look around at what everyone else hasn't done which puts me into a viscous cycle of feeling overwhelmed & under appreciated. I haven't quite learned how not to get into this cycle, short of being perfect (which I am not)... I don't see a way to avoid it. So now comes the difficult lesson of learning how to transform the way I think and find appreciation in what is done,  shifting my perspective to see that this is just a ripple or two in the ocean and not a wave or tsunami  as much as I tend to make it out to be one.

I'm grateful that my husband is home from his business trip of 2 weeks (even when the house gets turned upside down), I'm grateful for the week off between classes (even though I know the classes that begin tonight will be difficult and time consuming), I'm grateful for 4 healthy children (even when they don't pick up after themselves and create more work for me), I'm grateful for my career as a nurse (even though full-time nights at a hospital 2 hours away is slowly killing me), I'm grateful for my home (even when the power bill is almost $500, ouch!), I'm grateful for paying bills, chores, errands, and needing to organize/manage 6 schedules daily because without these frustrations my life would not be so blessed.

Focus, look ahead and push forward doing the work that needs to be done.
L~

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Pseudo-single-mom kinda life

Lovey-hubby is away for two weeks at a training for his new company. I had forgotten how difficult it was to manage a household by myself. I suppose I should interject here to fill in some blanks:
Together, he and I have 7 kiddos (teenager down to toddler)... 4 live with us, 3 come to stay with us about once a month (we wish they were able to be here more often) and we have a pug-pug who is certain she's a "people", a hahn's macaw who is 'hyper-verbal', a cockatoo who just screams when she feels she needs attention (or food), and a new covertly  mischievous (almost CIA-like) cat. We live in the country, a fair distance from civilization (i.e. 15 minutes to the nearest Wal-Mart). Our older 3 children go to a school that is roughly 45 minutes away, no bus... but that was our choice.
So before lovey-hubby left he, thankfully, made sure most hubby-like things were taken care of around the house. I managed last night to get everyone in bed only an hour or so late... but they got home late from their after school activities. This morning I set my alarm for early early, something I haven't done in a long time (I'm a night-shifter), got the kids up, got 'em ready for school, fed, chores started and out the door on time! After the trip to and from the school, me and the littlest settled back in for a 'relaxing' day home. I made a press-pot of coffee, sat it at my desk with my favorite mug, fixed a cup of juice (water with a hint of V8 Splash, because I'm a mean mom like that) and a yogurt for the littlest and got everything situated to finally write a term paper that is due tonight (see previous post, entitled... "procrastination", yup that one, sigh). I go to flip on the light switch to the bathroom, "pop".... grrr, the darned thing burned out. I'm (a generous) 5'2"... we do not have a ladder (not sure why) but we do have high ceilings, of course. I'm a resourceful kinda gal, so a flashlight in my opinion will work quite nicely until lovey-hubby returns :)

For the remainder of the day I just have some cleaning to do, lunch to fix for myself and the littlest, a drive to get the kids and bring them home, dinner to prepare, chores to oversee, bills to pay and what am I forgetting?... oh, yeah... a paper to write :/ yay.

Yes, I'm off to do that now.... L~

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Procrastination

Having the last few days off has been nice, I feel more centered, or balanced I suppose, when I'm not working. It's a bitter sweet kind of deal because I worked so hard (I can't even begin to describe how hard those years were for my family) to get to where I am and now that I'm here I feel like it's not benefiting anyone other than financially. But that's another post for another time.

This morning I'm enjoying my usual day off routine of coffee, reading and listening to my littlest play in the background. It's pouring outside, the kind of rain that makes you wonder if you should start searching out Gopher wood (kudos to those that get that reference!). I'm procrastinating on an assignment that is coming due, a rather largish paper of which I have yet to decide the topic. This will be the final project for my current class. A little history on this class: I was told I had to pick between Statistics and Exploring the 60's... well naturally what else would I choose?!? Not realizing this is a sociology course mostly about politics. I'm desperately trying to muddle my way through this one. Not my favorite. But that's okay, it's one more class closer to my goal.

Hopefully this rainy day will bring a flood of creative thoughts to my lax brain and fill me with the inspiration and motivation needed to get this bugger of a paper written, edited and turned in before my next torturous round of night shifts come up. Til then I'm off to enjoy this delicious coffee... L~


Tuesday, January 10, 2012

I tried to be...



Relaxing this morning with my littlest playing in the background, savoring a cup of coffee and listening to Pandora this song came on... not one I'd heard before but the chorus hit my heart. Listening closer I realized how much the lyrics applied to so many relationships in my life, from childhood to present. As I'm listening relating the lyrics to my life God began to whisper to my heart, the kind of comfort and peace that only He can bring when all else seems to crumble around your feet. Having always struggled with trying (...to be perfect, to be everything they wanted, to be smarter, prettier, more fun to be around) and relying on the other person in whichever relationship to recognize my trying and want me. What I missed was the simple truth that I'm trying for the wrong person. My focus should be on trying to be everything for only One, the One who whispers the much needed comfort and peace. L~

They say...

Journaling has never been something I've kept up with. They say it's therapeutic, they say it clears your mind and they say it helps you progress your thoughts... I suppose I shall try and see if 'they say' are correct.